Love is…Perseverance | This is the Story of Cynara + Philip

Life may appear picture-perfect, but usually, things are not as simple as they seem. More often than not, to attain beautiful and complex dreams, one has to be determined, patient, and in some cases–endure loss. In the case of Cynara and Philip Charles-Pierre, there were many profound losses, 8 in 10 years to be exact. A series of miscarriages would galvanize an even greater desire to experience parenthood and ultimately have them exploring an option that they would never have previously considered: gestational surrogacy.

This is the love story of a couple who have grown their strong marriage and family upon resiliency, a healthy honoring of grief, and embracing their individuality— while also continuing to recognize the importance of humor, adventure, and honest communication to carry on. Despite differences in perspective and cultural orientation, the couple has persevered. Since 2007, their Hudson Valley home and experiences here have brought them solace. Meanwhile, with the help of another loving couple from Ohio, a journey to become parents to their beautiful daughter, Pearl, has stretched any perceived bounds of love, race, and “natural” parenthood. They have also remained close, their children growing and hiking together, knowing of their collective journey as a braided family. Yet this happy chapter began only after many years of sadness that had Cynara feeling “so broken I didn’t know what to do with my grief.”

Soon into their marriage, the newlyweds set their sights on being a family, and Cynara had no trouble conceiving naturally, almost immediately. And though specialists could find nothing wrong, even after extensive testing, one pregnancy after the other terminated devastatingly early. Eventually, after so many losses, it was Philip who would suggest that they could stop trying. “We don’t have to do this. You’re enough for me,” he had told Cynara then. “We can still have a full life together.”

Cynara was not giving up; she felt there had to be a way. After the 6th loss, Cynara started considering a gestational carrier, though she didn’t know anyone personally who had used one. Philip’s initial reaction was more dubious: “Weird science? Just no.”

Cynara said, “Whenever I saw my husband with others’ children, he was just amazing. I felt like I was in the way of fulfilling his destiny of being a father.” Plus, she had her own longings. She thought then, “There’s something wrong with me; I’m defective,” though Philip never pressured or judged her. After grief counseling and drawers full of sonograms for babies they would never know, Cynara said, “I was willing to do anything, and I gave Philip an ultimatum.” At that point, she was so focused on having a baby with her own eggs that she decided it would happen even without his sperm. She explained that the desire to have a child just “took over.” She recalled, laughing, “I was very Malcolm X about it. As in, by any means necessary.” But Philip had asked her, “Can you give me more time?”

At that time, she was 38. “My eggs were getting so old they were about to need canes,” Cynara laughed. They decided to freeze their embryos and shelf the conversation, at least for a while. They bought a Brooklyn brownstone replete with hope and the potential of a nursery they wouldn’t furnish or even enter. Then, at 40 years old, Cynara would have her 8th miscarriage at 11 weeks.

After another period of grieving and healing, they revisited the concept of gestational surrogacy in earnest. At the time in New York, though, as in Nebraska and Louisiana, the option was only legal when a surrogate would not receive compensation. They chose to work with a fertility clinic in New Jersey that had a surrogacy practice, while they opted for a surrogate mother residing and birthing in a state that already has pre-birth orders in place. That meant the baby’s biologically connected mother and father could have their names on the birth certificate, even without petitioning postpartum. Cynara explained, “Ohio is fairly progressive in that way. You can petition the court in advance, but the baby has to be born in Ohio.”

That’s when Sara and Matt (Matthew) Vecchi entered the picture. After lots of vetting and direct conversations in a process that felt a lot like dating, Cynara and Philip flew to Ohio to meet them. They also wanted to make sure that race would unequivocally not be an issue since this would be a white woman choosing to be the birth mother for an African American couple.

“But they were so sweet…just the sweetest couple ever,” Cynara gushed. “Goofy and funny… oh, and Matt sings Broadway tunes!” Humor and kindness are high on the priority list for Cynara and Philip, who are also hilarious and accessible. And, of course, the journey to essentially co-parent would also be profoundly moving and forge a lifelong bond, unspoken, maintained, or not. Couples counseling and group counseling for individual concerns were also required, along with lawyers and court-appointed guardians for the baby if something happened to Cynara and Philip. It was all becoming very potent and real.

Then, a mere two weeks after the transfer of Cynara and Philip’s embryo, they got the news: Sara was pregnant, and the baby was viable. Despite a 30% likelihood of success, that one procedure took and would finally be manifesting a long-held dream. But with so many losses, Cynara and Philip had trepidations about sharing the news, even with the closest ones.  “We decided to share when Sara was seven months along,” Cynara said, explaining that she had quickly called her mom to tell her the news.

“I want to meet this person who is doing this for my daughter,” her mother immediately said. So Cynara’s parents flew from Georgia to Ohio to enjoy lunch with Sara, her husband, Matt, Philip, Cynara, and Sara’s parents.

Cynara recounted, “My mom was just beaming; she was so excited for us. It had been years of sadness, and she knew how important this was for me. She was able to express to Sarah how thankful she was for doing this. Sara was about eight months pregnant that day. It was so magical.”

Sara went into labor on December 28th, a week ahead of schedule. When offered Pitocin to speed up labor, Sara refused, wanting to make sure Cynara and Philip would also be a part of the birth. As chance would have it, they literally caught the last seats out of New York, and if they hadn’t, they would not have made it.

In the labor room, between contractions, the connection between the two families deepened, all there to support Sara, and Pearl’s emergence. “It was a kind of warm, loving connectedness that I can’t really find the right words for,” Cynara shared. Finally, when Sara fully dilated, Philip and Sara’s father left the room because only three visitors were allowed during the actual birth. Cyndi (Sara’s mom), Matt (Sara’s husband), and Cynara stayed, all flanking Sara, holding her hands, and supporting her with their loving presence.

Cynara shared, “At one point, Cyndi said to me, ‘Come over here. This is your baby.’ So I walked around and held Sara’s right knee; her mom held her other knee, and we were there as Sara pushed Pearl into the world. And I had such a powerful realization: Unlike most mothers, I had the amazing experience of literally seeing Pearl come into the world. I have no words for that. There was so much wrapped in that moment: seeing Pearl and looking at Sara…thanking Sara for helping us end such a painful chapter in our lives.

Then, the nurses took Pearl to clean her. When they returned, one said, ‘Want to do chest to chest, skin to skin?’ So they put Pearl on my chest, and it was the first time I got to feel her, to feel her heartbeat against my heart, to feel that little baby in a way I just hadn’t had the experience of.

She continued, “I remember Philip came running in, and though he is the most stoic person, he had tears in his eyes.” At this point in the story, she was laughing. “But maybe that’s because she came out looking just like him! And I looked at our daughter and said, “Of course, I fight for you to be here, and you end up looking just like your dad!”

Today, the surrogate and birth families continue to be connected, and their children have grown up knowing the beautiful story that weaves them all together. Ultimately, what felt like the most significant time of loss offered up boons that Cynara and Philip couldn’t yet imagine.

And Pearl, so loved, fought for, and truly wanted, is thriving and just as sassy, funny, and bold as her parents. It makes one wonder, yet again, what the world would be like if each child was called in with such intention, connected to nature, and raised with lasting and boundless love.

Photos Courtesy of Cynara and Philip Charles-Pierre

To hear a wonderful, in-depth interview with Cynara about her journey with infertility, from which some of Cynara’s quotes were borrowed, check out INFERTILE AF with Ali Prato.

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